The Federation of Students (affectionately¹ known as Feds), UW’s undergraduate society, announced that Mr. Justin Williams, an Environmental Studies student/apparent douchebag, has been acclaimed the new president of Feds as there were no other contestants.

Speaks volumes about the student life at UW, doesn’t it? No one gives a shit because there is nothing to be fought over.

Then again, what do you expect from a student body composed almost entirely of upper-middle class Toronto suburb kids just coming out of a very sheltered childhood? Who needs the student governing body when you’ve got Daddy’s American Express Platinum Card?

Maybe it’s all for the best. At least I won’t have to endure self-important fucktards screaming at each other over whose platform is the least unrealistic (sidenote: all time favourite of these future Stockwell Days is “cheap housing” - how are you going to force landlords to lower the price? pass a fucking resolution at Feds council meeting?) at SLC.

Well, here’s our new president - a chubby with a belly and nice budding breasts, not to mention the pube-goatee and serial-killer smile.

God, I fucking hate this school.

To give Mr. Williams some credit, I must say he is the most honest Feds president in recent memory. When asked by Imprint (UW’s shitty paper - but that’s another story) what his platform is he “did not speak on the specifics of his platform, saying he needed further consultation with his running-mates.” (i.e. he has no platform)

¹ Not really.

Location: Kitchener
Date Listed: 17-Jul-07

I have a 2-bdr appartment in Waterloo that is not so far from the UW. Looking for a good looking gay/bi/curious roommate who needs a room for free from either September or January. Must be str8 looking, clean, reliable, safe, D&D free and descreet. No alchohol/drug users or smokers. I am an attractive 39 yr white male who is str8 looking with an average body. If interested, please email me with your stats and some information about you.

Sure, he says it’s free, but is it really free if you’re getting ass-raped daily?

Couldn’t H.R. take another photo of Mr. Michael Hunt (Mike Hunt has got to be pretty far up on the list of worst names ever with Dick Hertz and Ima Cow)? I am pretty sure that is not what Mr. Hunt really looks like. [Daily Bulletin]

Until then, I invite my readers to spread vicious rumours about a UW student or faculty member of their choice on the comment thread.

And, Mr. Lynch has a terrible, terrible secret, a secret he can’t tell a soul about. Exactly what that secret is, I will discuss later in the entry.

Unlike most overachievers (especially the Math and Engineering kinds), Mr. Lynch is also a voracious socializer. His blog entries actually have comments (and not just on the flamebait entries).

Judging by the photos on his Flickr account, Mr. Lynch dresses himself quite well (a little bit too Urban Outfitters, but whatever). He is also a lover of indie music and a regular reader of Pitchfork.

On top of all this, Mr. Lynch is rich. He lives in a nice apartment in San Francisco, possibly the most expensive place to live on the American continent, and he used to live in a nice apartment in Vancouver, definitely the most expensive place to live in Canada. He also frequently takes transcontinental flights to just see friends, a privilege that very few university students enjoy.

Naturally, Mr. Lynch is quite popular with the ladies. Dozens of photos on Flickr and Facebook attest to this.

Yet, he has no girlfriend and can’t even get laid! And, herein lies Mr. Lynch’s terrible secret.

Before I divulge his secret, let’s recap:

• Mr. Lynch is smart.
• He makes friends easily.
• He dresses well.
• He has a refined taste.
• He is rich.
• He doesn’t have a girlfriend nor does he ever get laid.

It should be obvious, but I will say it anyways. Mr. Lynch is gay, and it’s killing him inside.

I imagine many of my readers will object, pointing out that Mr. Lynch does not look or act gay. To this, I say this is exactly Mr. Lynch’s problem - his self-image is completely incompatible with the gay stereotype that pervades our culture. He only finds himself attracted regular guys like him (e.g. Seth Rogen - calling it a “man crush” is not fooling anyone, Mr. Lynch), not hairless guys dancing to Scissor Sisters on a Gay pride float. Mr. Lynch fears that he will be rejected by both the heterosexual and homosexual mainstream were he to come out.

I suggest Mr. Lynch take advantage of his current location (San Francisco wasn’t the west coast epicenter of AIDS crisis for nothing) and set aside a day to go people watching in The Castro (just go the Starbucks there and have a cup of coffee or something). I am sure Mr. Lynch will come to realize there are gay men who are just like him, and he is not alone in agony of sexual orientation/self-image incongruity.

Recommended readings for Mr. Lynch:

• Empty Closets - self-explanatory
• BUTT Magazine - an interview-centric magazine that focuses on interesting gay artists, writers, directors, and musicians (e.g. Gus Van Sant, John Waters, Michael Stipe); available at A Different Light Bookstore in The Castro.
• Discordance between Sexual Behavior and Self-Reported Sexual Identity: A Population-Based Survey of New York City Men, Annals of Internal Medicine, Volume 145 Issue 6, Pages 416-425 - Mr. Lynch is not alone. Disjunction of self-identification and actual sexual orientation is extremely common. According to the article, about three quarters of men who have sex with men identify themselves as “straight.”

Mr. Aho is also gay, and he will not let you forget this either. Every other post on his blog somehow alludes to the fact that he likes the pole, but not the hole.

Most importantly, he’s a big, powerful player in UW student politics, sitting as an Engineering councillor on the all-important UW Student Council. And, like any self-respecting politician, he is currently pushing a special interest cause that provides absolutely no benefit to at least 95% of his constituents, namely official recognition of Greek organizations by the university.

As retarded as Mr. Aho’s current political cause really is, I am not going to go there. Rather, I will praise and celebrate the amazing logical constructs used by Mr. Aho to explain why the university should bend right over and provide student-funded resources to Greek organizations.

So far in the debate on whether to submit to Mr. Aho’s wish or not, the most contentious issue has been the fact that fraternities and sororities practice discriminatory admission policies (note: you can read more about this wonderful aspect of Greek life here).

This is not a problem, Mr. Aho claims. Here is his amazing explanation:

1. UW recognizes organizations such as Engineers Without Borders, which do not practice discriminatory admission policies.
2. EWB at UW is a local chapter of the greater EWB, much like Greeks at UW are local chapters of greater Greek organizations.
3. Ontario Human Rights Code says discrimination is a-okay for Greeks.
4. Therefore, UW must provide resources to discriminatory organizations such as Greeks!

If that didn’t make you fall madly in love with him, here’s another one for you from a recent entry by Mr. Aho:

Engineering Technology: If you have a diploma in Engineering Technology, you are not an Engineer. You are an Engineering Technician or Technologist. Simple as that. Take some pride in your education and profession and stop pretending to be something you aren’t.

Do I smell a hint of elitism? Perhaps someone should remind Mr. Aho that the mechatronics program at UW has not yet been certified by Canadian Engineering Accreditation Board, and he can’t call himself anything, let alone “Engineer.”

My fingers are getting tired and I’ve barely touched on what a wonderful human being Mr. Aho really is! It’s a shame, but I am going to have to come back to Mr. Aho at a later date.

In the meanwhile, I would like to direct my readers to the Greek organization page @UW to get their fix of Mr. Aho’s totally logical and completely non-deranged thoughts.

Her interests include chocolate, Christmas, harp music, make-up, old school Hollywood glamour, and Swarovski crystals.

Basically, a month of courting Miss (last name undisclosed) will leave only the most seriously moneyed scions of old East Coast wealth out of personal bankruptcy proceedings.

One would expect, since Miss (last name undisclosed) is a history major, the blog to contain some entries about historical events. That is not so. The blog consists entirely of predictable comments on the progress of Canadian Idol, “oh my god, I did this and it was so hard - oh poor me”s, and assorted superficial craps.

Here’s a recommentation for Miss (last name undisclosed): use Twitter. Maybe people will think you don’t talk about anything serious, relevant, or useful because of the 140 character limit.

Thanks a bunch!

Until a few months ago, he wrote his blog in all lower case, which made it a bitch to read.

Why did he intentionally make his blog hard to read, I wonder. Don’t want to stand out, don’t want people to notice? Low self-esteem, perhaps?

There’s nothing really interesting on his blog. It’s mostly “I felt this,” “I thought that,” and “I saw that.”

Every now and then though, he punches out some insanely delusional crap that just make you burst out a hearty laugh. (e.g. “well the indie rocker in me won out yesterday…” - yes, you super cool indie rocker you)

Now, some comments about his blog entries on being part of Knock Knock Ginger, the greatest band ever.

At first, the delusional assessments of Knock Knock Ginger’s popularity (note: No one likes Knock Knock Ginger. The band’s music sounds like something Jandek would have made if he were a 14 year-old Japanese girl. And, if he had no talent. UWers only say they like Knock Knock Ginger because they had a very sheltered upper-middle class upbringing and wouldn’t dream of saying anything bad about anyone lest they come off as rude.) were mildly amusing. Then, as the delusion reached the level of full-blown psychosis, it became just sad.

I think Mr. Charters should just go get a job at EDS or something.

Messrs. Kenshi Kawaguchi and Sean Lynch who blog under the same domain have been added to the queue. They should expect to receive my loving praises soon.

He has edited two fanzines (i.e. Mr. Bow is fat) and published two young adult novels (i.e. Mr. Bow is super fat), albeit through a tiny publishing house that no one has heard of.

About a third of the blog is about his clever sci-fi fanboy ideas, which I believe flows quite abundantly when one is an unemployed nerd. Another third is his irrelevant grumblings on politics. The final third details his home life, which quite naturally is really boring.

And, he looks like this: